My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize