Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
