I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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