Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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