My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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