wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
