Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
