i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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