Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
