I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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