Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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