OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
