Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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