someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
