If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
