dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
