I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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