The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
