Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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