I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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