I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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