the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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