i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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