My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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