My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
