I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
