booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
