Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
