I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
