sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
