I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
