You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
