I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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