today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
