a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
