I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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