I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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