Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
