You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
