I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
