Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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