Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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