My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
