think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
