We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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