hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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