she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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