i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
