I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
