he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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