Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
