My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
