i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
