i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
