I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
