what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize