Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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