I think I am morally bankrupt
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish you could order shots online.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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