grandma shit on top of the toilet
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
