We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
