So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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