We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
